Holding Out... Just... a Little... Longer...

So what? I DON'T have a cell phone. Call me prehistoric. Call me technologically deficient. Call me lame and give me a funny sideward glance. But what you can't do is call me when I'm away from home.

It's one part defiance, two parts financial. It's become more of a snub to society and its need to be constantly contactable then me really giving a damn. Sure, I'd like to whip out my slim Motorola RAZR from the back pocket of my skinny jeans as much as the next girl, but why weigh myself down with the burden? Other people have phones; they can call. Is it for social status? To show how hip and techno savvy we are? Does owning a Blackberry put you into a higher social rung?

If so, damn.

Okay. So maybe it isn't as noble as I would have one think. Do I feel a little left out? Fine, yes. I'll admit it. I'm one of the few who still looks out the window at the passing buildings on the subway, rather than watching the latest episode of Heroes or texting my friend Tamika about the great chili recipe I just found. I'm forced to wait until my friends have finished texting to continue our conversation. I listen intently to others' cell conversations and ask "What'd they say?" annoyingly until I get the scoop. It's a little bit like being left out of a conversation, standing gawkily behind the inner circle of a great convo.

I will admit that getting stuck on the side of the road in a snow storm - sans celly - would blow a big one. And you got me at the cool factor and the ability to fill awkward voids. Another point gained for falsified excuses from lame dates and proving yourself immediately on bets. Admittedly it is pretty cool how you can find out what song is playing just by holding up your iPhone to the speaker, and I wish I could text someone with a one-word answer instead of wasting all that time in making a phone call.

On the other hand, I have my own (little as it may be) posse of non-cell phone users as well. We be crazy sons-a-bitches! We do wild things like use PAY PHONES! Oh, snap! That's right we use PAY PHONES. Unfortunately they aren't always easy to find because apparently they aren't being used anymore, but when we find them we USE THEM. Even though they cost us almost a dollar to place a local call, we look super retro standing in a booth. Beat that Samsung Propel user with your crazy text fingers.

I also have gained back incredible abilities – yes, that is right, incredible — one being the knack of numeric memorization, the other being the art of small talk. Oh, don’t doubt yourself. You once had these abilities as well. Remember when you were young and you picked up the receiver and dialed your best friend’s number from memory? Can't do that anymore can you? Lose the phone, you lose all the numbers. What about the crazy cycle of self-absorption this era of technology has got you in? Human connection is diminishing, but not for me, boy! I smile at the person sitting across from me. Perhaps we speak about the weather, bond over how grotesque the fat man in the back picking his nose is, share a chuckle over foreign policy — the norm.

See, we're playing hard to get, us non-cell phone users. You can't just call us up any time of the day and have us answer. There's no GPS navigation here. No widgets or simulated click of a computer mouse. We can't blog while on the pooper and we're sure as heck are not going to know what time The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is playing at the local cinema while driving home from work. Inconvenience? Perhaps slightly. But not to someone that is used to having to check the paper, use the phone book and wait a little while instead of getting instant feedback. It could be said that I am practicing the art of patience; becoming Zen-like in this era of go, go, go.

But In all my martyring, have I missed the cultural bus? According to a Gartner report from Cnet News’s website, "Sales of cell phones are on pace to reach a billion annually by the end of the decade, when nearly 40 percent of the world's population will own a mobile handset.” Forty percent? That’s it? I am NOT in the slow lane! Asia may be the biggest buyers of these handheld devices, but until all of China is chirping on their cellies, I’ll still remain one of the masses. Take that social pressure!

And what’s the deal with Bluetooth? Have we boarded the Starship? Talk about cancer in the brain caused by radio waves, that’s going right in the ol’ canal — direct route! How do you expect to be taken seriously? I understand the need for “hands free” as a non cell phone use, I use both hands regularly. Frankly I couldn’t imagine not. But really? Alien growth headset? I will give it points for being the perfect illusion of having an actually conversation. Sometimes I even think Bluetooth wearers are talking to me; I light up, I shoot back a witty answer, only to be met with rolling eyes and embarrassment. If every Schizophrenic in America was given a Bluetooth headset, we’d never know who the crazies were. And I’d stop being let down by fake conversations.

Bring back the Bat signal. Bring back smoke signals, but don’t force me to get a cell phone. Don’t make me feel inadequate for my lack of ownership just because I’m not getting free incoming calls and Verizon’s free nights and weekends. I get nights and weekends too, and guess what? They’re free anyway. Saturday always comes and Wednesday night is a regular occurrence. Even if I’m not making phone calls from the sidewalk.