“We’ve Got the Biggest, Balls of Them All” – AC/DC

Whoa, whoa. whoa… Wait just one darn minute as I wretch in disgust —is that a scrotum hanging from the rear of your rusted out, 1995 Chevy truck? 

(Image from Your-Nuts.com)

I try to follow behind in my car at a safe distance, but the mesmerizing rocking to-and-fro as the Chevy accelerates and decelerates with the pace of traffic has the oddity swaying, hypnotizing me into a trance and I find myself drawn to it, unable to look away.

I get it, alright. You’re tough. You’re rugged. Your vehicle “has balls”. But to actually go all the way and adhere  faux testes to the trailer hitch or undercarriage of your vehicle in an effort to communicate that with the public? That takes, well, balls.

I’m both disgusted and intrigued by the person who would commit such an ocular crime.

Where does one even go to purchase truck/car testicles? Can I just waltz into the local V.I.P. or Pep Boys and pick up a pair? Does one saunter down the accessory aisle, scanning the shelves in hopes of locating the gem? “Let’s see there’s coconut-scented air fresheners shaped like sandals, metallic dolphin appliqués, your choice of Taz or Tweety car mats and, oh, here we are, plastic testicles. Look honey, they have them in blue as well.” 

Or even better, were they given as a gift? Perhaps at a casual birthday party at the double-wide? “Hey Tom. I know you’ve been working real hard on that there Chevy truck o’ yours and, woo-wee, does she go like hell! Thought of you when I saw these.” I can only imagine Grandma’s delight as the unwrapped box makes its way over to her for viewing.

Aghast from my near-scrotum experience, I found myself slyly eye-balling rear-ends of trucks recently. Was it in hopes of seeing another? Was I just so hypnotized by the bobbing pair I followed that I had become one of the scrotum minions, forever doomed to notice “trucks with balls”?

It’s amazing once you realize how many of these anatomically correct genitalia grace the backside of vehicles, the actual societal breadth that has been touched. I saw an especially impressive stringy-haired, Pall Mall smoking, sloppy T-shirt wearing class-act of a female driving a Jeep Cherokee with plastic enhanced hairy white nuts bobbing behind her vehicle. I also noticed a Toyota with a plank board bed sporting a pair of chrome ones, a  station wagon complete with children in the backseat with a not-so-discreet pair of hot pink danglers, and a teal blue colored Cavalier proudly oozing the testosterone that comes with owning a pair of vehicle testes.

Out of utter curiosity, a quick internet search lead me to find that there was several types of balls to be had: “Bull’s Balls Style” “Big Boy Style”, chrome balls in 1st AND 2nd generation, solid colors, metallic colors, balls for a keychain, balls for a motorcycle – Oh, the balls!

At one particular site, http://www.truck-nuts.com/balls.html, I couldn’t help but be impressed by the semantic tango attributed to each particular design. Here’s a sampling from the website:

“Black Tuxedo Nuts

SHOW UP TO THAT BLACK TIE AFFAIR IN STYLE. A SHARP DRESSED TUXEDO NUT. THESE ARE POWDER COATED IN A GLOSSY FINISH. PERFECT FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS.”

 

…Yes, perfect.

It appears that a strong following has developed for the visual flexing of machismo. But not everyone is a fan. In Maryland and Virginia bills were passed to the senate to make the dangling duo illegal. They were also given the shaft in Florida where a small fine was notched on for anyone seen flashing a pair. But apparently, not where I am.

We’ve obviously got big balls. Do you?