What We Do to Stay Wahm

She’s usually a frigid wintah up here in Maine, yessir. Cold dahk nights and wind wippin’ so hahd you gots to wear oneofthose face masks that makes you look like a retahded G.I. Joe or storm troopah or somethin. You gots to be bundled up real tight in ordah to stay wahm and make sure you wear your lawngunderwears undah your jacket or else you’ll be freezin’ your butt off, ayuh.

So whadda we Mainahs do to have fun outside but stay wahm in the wintah? Well, besides the obvious snow-mo-beelin,  ice fishin’ and skiing (but that gets a bit pricey if ya goes a lot), we go smelting, ayuh. And there ain’t no bettah place to catch me some smelt than down at Jim’s Smelt Shacks in Bowdoinham.

  

Go there on a Friday or Satraday night and woo-wee! all us good ol’ boys and gals’ll be there just-a smelting and drinkin’ and havin a regulah good time. Now, you ain’t no Mainah if you don’t go smeltin’ on your Friday night, nosiree. Screw dat Mixahs bar where all dem kids go, no, we real Mainahs, we smeltin’ godddammit.

Jim’s is just a bitty little place in Bowdoinham off route twen-tee-fah on da Kinnebec Rivah. Theys gots ‘bout twen-tee shacks and they’ll let ya rent em for few hours and get ya smelt on real gud. Dem shaks have big ol’ stoves to keep ya wahm or cook some food on and little holes fer the lines to dangle intah.

Them boys at Jim’s’ ll give ya those bloodwohms (that look like little centipeeds and freakin’ gross me right out! One time I stuck one down the flannel pants of my friend and woo-wee did he dance! Those little buggers gots pinchahs on ‘em, they do. So watch out, k?)

Anyways, you gets yer bloodwohms, go to ya shack and stick the buggahs on the hooks, lower ‘em in the water and start drinkin! If it’s a real gud night, you can just yell acrossed to yer buddies and have a hootin’ ol time waiting to see who catches the first one. You do know what happens when ya catch the first one, don’t cha? Ah, really? Sheet. Well, if’nya catch the first smelt, well, you gots to bite the head off. No whinin or pissin and moanin’ just grabbit real quick like and bite the head right off. The little guys have just bite-sized heads and one chomp and she’s off. Fecking gross though.

Now, with all that head bitin’ and wind wippin’ like I’se said, you gots to have you a little something to keep yous wahm inside and build up yer courage sorta speak. Now, that’s when the ol’ Roopah’s store comes inta play. You’s gots to stack up on the beverage necessities before you get ta Jim’s so make sure ya stop and gets you some fine drinks or that head bitin’ won’t be so easy, ayuh?

Now, you may think that we Mainahs are just up here all wintah long, freezin’ and a chatterin’ away, but let me tell you, we are just fine bitin’ heads off smelt, thank ya very much. Hope ta see you there this Friday or Satraday; I heard she’s gonna be a cold one, yesiree.

Dancing in the Dark with Björk

Once in a blue moon there’s a film that really grips you. I mean, strangle-hold, pin-you-down-on-the-mat, no-crying-uncle kind of film where at times you struggle to catch your breath, you choke back tears, you wrestle with emotion and are overcome with awe. A connection is formed. And when it’s all over, when the screen goes black and the block letters scroll up from the bottom of your screen, you feel as though a little part of you may have changed slightly. I felt that shift after watching Lars von Trier’s Dancer in the Dark starring Icelandic singer Björk.

You may scoff at first, rolling your eyes at the realization that this is—yes—a musical. You may assume it’ll have a bit of Newsies pluckiness or Grease’s teenage soap opera angst. Perhaps it will have epic political undertones like The Sound of Music or gaudy and outlandish characters like Rocky Horror Picture Show. Instead, you’ll find a tactful film, complete with original story line and a soundtrack you wouldn’t be ashamed to play in your car.

 

The movie, tailor-made for Björk with the score being composed by her, is a story about a Czech woman who faces imminent medical problems and struggles to make sure that the same doesn’t happen for her son. She escapes life’s woes by daydreaming that her life is a musical because “somebody’s always there to catch you when you fall,” in a musical.

I do have to admit, I’m a Björk fan. Always have been. So to see her, to listen to her amazing voice and be able to connect the emotion with the story behind the lyrics, brings her to a whole new level for me. She committed to her character in a way that was so believable, so utterly moving, that I couldn’t help but share this film with all of you. It’s no wonder she was nominated for a Golden Globe and won best actress when the film debuted at Cannes in 2000.

I never watch movies twice, but I’d watch this a thousand times over.