What We Do to Stay Wahm

She’s usually a frigid wintah up here in Maine, yessir. Cold dahk nights and wind wippin’ so hahd you gots to wear oneofthose face masks that makes you look like a retahded G.I. Joe or storm troopah or somethin. You gots to be bundled up real tight in ordah to stay wahm and make sure you wear your lawngunderwears undah your jacket or else you’ll be freezin’ your butt off, ayuh.

So whadda we Mainahs do to have fun outside but stay wahm in the wintah? Well, besides the obvious snow-mo-beelin,  ice fishin’ and skiing (but that gets a bit pricey if ya goes a lot), we go smelting, ayuh. And there ain’t no bettah place to catch me some smelt than down at Jim’s Smelt Shacks in Bowdoinham.

  

Go there on a Friday or Satraday night and woo-wee! all us good ol’ boys and gals’ll be there just-a smelting and drinkin’ and havin a regulah good time. Now, you ain’t no Mainah if you don’t go smeltin’ on your Friday night, nosiree. Screw dat Mixahs bar where all dem kids go, no, we real Mainahs, we smeltin’ godddammit.

Jim’s is just a bitty little place in Bowdoinham off route twen-tee-fah on da Kinnebec Rivah. Theys gots ‘bout twen-tee shacks and they’ll let ya rent em for few hours and get ya smelt on real gud. Dem shaks have big ol’ stoves to keep ya wahm or cook some food on and little holes fer the lines to dangle intah.

Them boys at Jim’s’ ll give ya those bloodwohms (that look like little centipeeds and freakin’ gross me right out! One time I stuck one down the flannel pants of my friend and woo-wee did he dance! Those little buggers gots pinchahs on ‘em, they do. So watch out, k?)

Anyways, you gets yer bloodwohms, go to ya shack and stick the buggahs on the hooks, lower ‘em in the water and start drinkin! If it’s a real gud night, you can just yell acrossed to yer buddies and have a hootin’ ol time waiting to see who catches the first one. You do know what happens when ya catch the first one, don’t cha? Ah, really? Sheet. Well, if’nya catch the first smelt, well, you gots to bite the head off. No whinin or pissin and moanin’ just grabbit real quick like and bite the head right off. The little guys have just bite-sized heads and one chomp and she’s off. Fecking gross though.

Now, with all that head bitin’ and wind wippin’ like I’se said, you gots to have you a little something to keep yous wahm inside and build up yer courage sorta speak. Now, that’s when the ol’ Roopah’s store comes inta play. You’s gots to stack up on the beverage necessities before you get ta Jim’s so make sure ya stop and gets you some fine drinks or that head bitin’ won’t be so easy, ayuh?

Now, you may think that we Mainahs are just up here all wintah long, freezin’ and a chatterin’ away, but let me tell you, we are just fine bitin’ heads off smelt, thank ya very much. Hope ta see you there this Friday or Satraday; I heard she’s gonna be a cold one, yesiree.